- Oh Stupidity - Monday, January 15, 2007 I was sitting in a frieds car this weekend reflecting on life as I know it, and I couldn't help but notice how souring relationships are. Everyone I know, learns nothing from their past, really. They just moan about how hard done by they are, and how it was all the other person and not them. HA! yeah that's right I said HA! If you speak of someone else saying that they are some pound animal that you threw a bone to...then chances are it wasn't only them screwing up in that situation. Why would someone date a person that they believe is beneath them? Settleing for someone just because they are something to do is unfair, and very stupid. And all it does is make you MORE BITTER when it ends. Because you start saying things like "I can't believe I couldn't even keep him/her..I mean ew..." "but then again why whould I wan't to *ahahahah...*. Yeah and as the half assed laughter fades away, and the reality sets in, and the bitter tone and harsh words come back with a vengence. I never understood the point of staying with someone you aren't attracted to, or are kind of attracted to, but more as a "hey look at my pretty friend, isn't she smart..." and less as a "hey look at my pretty girlfriend"*maul*. It's an exercise in futility people, settleing for someone that you aren't "completely satisified" with, is ideotic. For if you are already settleing, think of how completely unsatisfied with them you're going to be a few years from now. This is not the age of contentment, this is the age of deleriously happy moments, and passion(depending on labido levels ofcourse). if you are just content...leaning more towards, "kill me", then it's time to go, and find someone you actually feel like you had to work to attain. Someone you're actually going to put on your wall of fame, and not "return to the dog catcher".

posted by The Nessa @ 2:56 PM [[ 1 comments ]]

- Another Part of that same story - Friday, November 10, 2006 She felt sad today, really sad, sitting and holding an empty chocolate egg that her husband had given her. Fitting she thought, since his love for her was just a sugar coating, and never seemed to have much substence. Every time he told her, she just wanted to scream "SHOW ME, SHOW ME THIS LOVE, WHERE THE HELL IS IT, I DON'T SEE IT, I CAN'T TOUCH IT, WHERE IS IT?". But refrained for she knew that would be a little too hollywood for him to handle. And even though she knew his love wasn't real, she didn't want him to tell her that he felt nothing for her. Why was her ability to believe so broken she wondered. No other man had confessed to loving her, she'd never been decieved, why couldn't she believe him? As far as she knew, it was because he was a man of action for everyone but her. Someone expressed need, he acted on impulse, out of desire and obligation. For her, the need was ignored, heard but never acted on. It drove her to madness, but she couldn't leave. What kind of logic could she implore for such a devorce, after 20 years "You never loved me". She hadn't believed him for one single solitary year, but here she stood, her first name followed by his last. Why? Because she loved him, she loved every minute of him, and that was why it killed her. She would break every promise to spend a moment with him, watch a friend cry on their birthday and not blink. Like any addiction, she tried to fight him, but it only ended in tears. His only crime was not proving how he felt, he was never violent, never hurtful, what would be the point of leaving? How do you tell someone that you don't believe them when they tell you that they love you, she wondered, every day of her life. So full of love, crying, staring at an empty chocolate egg. The truth was that she knew that he loved her, she knew it but couldn't bare to join the two facts. She would feel it every once and a while, that bolt of feeling pass between them and take a part of her face with it. But how could she bare to feel that way always, every time it happened her heart ached. Could she make herself feel it after all these years? She stared at herself in the mirror, blotchy and smudged, and said "yes". She broke the chocolate egg in half and placed a small figurine she had bought him years before inside it. "I got you this because I love you" she said to herself, "and you bought me this for the same reason, this empty chocolate egg with pretty engravings carved into it, so here is my proof". She stared at her creation, half laughing, half crying, and then she heard the door. He walked in looking rather purplexed, his blotchy wife cackleing at a chocolate egg surrounding a figurine, she was beautiful. He knew he'd never been good at telling her how much he couldn't live without her, but these were the moments he loved, coming home the an unmedicated crazy person. "What is it this time dear?" he half chuckled as he began undoing his neck tie. "Look, you love me, this proves it" she responded, now just smileing. "Yeah I know I do" he said, "but I don't see how that proves it"... "You bought me this because you were thinking of me, because you love me, and I bought you this for the same reason, together they mean we love eachother" He began rethinking that whole unmedicated thing as he watched her say this, but then remembered, better her think that the small things meant the most, than demand grand gestures only to claim that they meant nothing. He knew it was the small things, a note on the fridge, a long hug before he left on business, just little things that he did to let her know that he loved her. He wanted her to remember that, because he couldn't imagine his life without his beautiful, unmedicated, crazy wife that he'd loved so completely for so many years.

posted by The Nessa @ 10:44 PM [[ 0 comments ]]

- Story - Tuesday, November 07, 2006 It was late, so late that her brain had stopped wondering if he was dead or alive, and had finally realized that he was with her. She had always wondered how long it had run for, this tawdry affair of his, but at this point she did not care. Determined to forget: she showered, dressed in her night clothes, and collapsed into bed. As the comforter coated her body, she let sleep wash away the past year, and the memories turn to ash. This fire had burned for so long that the wood was no longer wood, just charcoal coated in embers. Suddenly she awoke, 2am, he was covered in rain water and his tie fell loose on his body. She looked at him like a stranger that she would normally pity, this broken man that stood in front of her. But it wasn't a stranger, he was still that man she loved. Why had he run to another she did not know, nor did she care. He took off his soaked loafers and gave her another deep look. "I am sorry" he said, or did he say it, she thought and then knew he hadn't. They had been together so long that these things were never said. She couldn't remember the last time he said that he loved her, he would just give her that look, and they would both know. They couldn't bare to cheapen their love with words, yet he could bare to cheapen it with an affair. She laughed as that dawned on her, and then looked at him again. As he took off his overcoat, something came over her, a desire she had known before. She leapt out of her bed as though she had been bitten, but then stopped. This was too familiar, she filled with passion, him filled with indifference, guilt, even appologies. In a fit of rage she contained her desire and fell back on her bed, sitting once again, defeated. Sex had always been her doing. He played allong but never really seemed to want her. He would give her the look from time to time, but it would always be on her to act on it. She had decided that tonight was not that night, She didn't want to be the deciding factor anymore. Something was different this time though, the broken man she first caught sight of, the disheveled tie and dripping hair, was standing before her. This man was not sorry, he was guilty, and he didn't care. As he lifted her off her soft comforter, her head began to spin. When was the last time her husband had taken her like this, had he ever? He pressed himself against her, the rain water seeping into her nightclothes, his guilt flowing into her with every deep kiss. His arms began to shake but neither of them stopped. He wrapped her legs around him, not caring about anything that had come before, or what would come after.She couldn't fight him. She tried to return to her usual habit of taking control, struggled, but was only held tighter, kissed deeper. He placed her on her feat and began shedding his clothes, they thudded to the floor, as she watched in awe. Who was this man that looked so much like the one she loved, but possessed none of his characteristics. He took her clothes with no care, new night clothes now tattered on the floor. He stood there for a moment, hearing the rain falling outside, and then remembered. He picked her up again, rushed to the back door and practically fell down the back steps. This was not the night for their usual vanilla flavored romance. Outside she slipped on the grass, fell, and he fell with her. Pinned by this new man that she knew nothing of, she was powerless. He, filled with a new feeling a manhood and possessed by role he had never played in his youth, exerted his new found power over her. In that pool on the grass she had no control. The pleasure, everything was his doing, she was scared, but it was the kind of fear that she had always wanted to feel. Lovers unburdened by worry or affliction. He, having shead his guilt on the floor of their old house and she without those painful memories. Making love the way they always wanted to. Soaked with rain water and passion, they experienced what it was to be truly alive. This in the one place where their old flame, only hours before, had died.

posted by The Nessa @ 6:14 PM [[ 2 comments ]]

- I fucking hate that bonnie lass! (On a Book) - Tuesday, October 17, 2006 Once upon a time I saw a wee lass. She told me a tall tale and it kicked me right in the ass. Now I play it safe, only nice girls will I date. Though they are not my desired mate, it's better than the memories that I do hate. The wee lass was once nice, fangs appeared only after we rolled the dice. So I must close myself off to you, but I don't want to tell you that we're through. I fight my manhood every day to come to your door, and look in to those eyes that I adore. You smile and I forget that wee lass, how long until you kick me in the ass? I love you, I really do, but because of that wee lass, too soon will you and I be through. The meaning of our melding will never fade, it is like a rose that grew in the shade. I am sorry we could not be strong, my heart was guarded for far too long. Goodbye my bonnie lass, I know, I just kicked you right in the ass. --- I came up with this based on a story I read today. It was about a boy who found the girl he wanted to be with but wouldn't admit it because he was consumed by his past and didn't really know who he was. It was an interesting story, I reccomend it.

posted by The Nessa @ 3:42 PM [[ 2 comments ]]

- 10 Reasons Why I'm Happy - Sunday, October 15, 2006 1. I think I've finally reached a place in my life where I have my own measuring cup. I went out to the metaphorical supermarket and returned the cups that all of my friends had given me and finally purchased the Vanessa super edition measuring cup with disney characters and crazy art on it. 2. I can have something bad happen to me, and still pick up my texbook and read it. You know, instead of wasting 16 hours talking on the phone/msn until it's still not done, the midterm is the next day, and I just feel tired. The only talking I do now is to future employers! 3. My friends give me standing ovations when I sing at coffee shops...It's awesome...even though it's orchastrated..thanks eric! 4. Instead of filtering my oppinions, I try to filter others. You speak from your point of view, and I speak from mine. Don't for one second think you know what the hell I need to be happy. 5. I still have friends, and they seem to love me, and I do love them with all my little heart:) 6. My family has never been stronger, and my mom is getting married in september. 7. Though my bonding streak is at a standstill, I am still able to carry on and not feel alone. 8. Enough is enough, and I wont let myself want for anything I can't do by myself. 9. I'm finally bonding with my school work, helps when you have lots of inspireing friends, and a lad who's eyes light up when he talks about old courses. 10.

posted by The Nessa @ 5:44 PM [[ 1 comments ]]

- Fate Has a Wicked Sense of Humor! - Thursday, October 12, 2006 Alright so I've become a slacker, I admit it, stick the sign on my back and send me to the corner with the dunce cap atop my head. I had the weirdest day today, it was good, but still weird. I hadn't finished my write up for my presentation that I had to do today, so I asked my boss to let me off early. I thought I was in the clear, go home, take 3 hours max to write a 2 page hand out, and then get on the bus to go to class. But what did fate say..she said "ha! dream on!". I get home and start writing my hand out up when the power, in my whole house, goes out..and then proceeds to turn on and off as I struggle to finish this thing before my laptop signs off. Bad news folks...my lap top signed out and by the time i got to school..it was too late to do much of anything. But while I was waiting for a chance to catch my tutorial leader, low and behold she pops out of nowhere because someone else had sent her an e-mail saying that she wanted to meet her before class, LUCKY BREAK FOR ME! Or so I thought before I started talking about the write up and the black out and watched as it fell and shattered on deaf ears... chances are that my chances to do said presentation are now oblitterated "you waited until a matter of hours before class and then were thwarted by a black out..yeah...too bad" which is what my professor is going to say when he catches wind of it. Oh that Vanessa isn't she a funny one..put that on a calender or something! Oh man..time to remove the slacker sign from my back and get to passing this class.. hopefully I've come to in time! On every other note possible this was a good day, man I've never been utterly defeated by procrastination like this, it's bizarre!

posted by The Nessa @ 4:03 PM [[ 2 comments ]]

- Post Doctors Appointment - Tuesday, October 10, 2006 "I am content with what is happening in my life. No matter how deep I get, it wont be too deep, and no matter how hurt I get, I wont be too hurt, because through it all, I am the same person. I will invest myself completely in all of my relationships because fear has ruled my life for long enough. I will also never take myself for granted because I am the only one that can keep me alive. No person is worth falling to pieces over, and no opinion is completely just, therefore I will no longer allow myself to be steamrolled by ignorance. My friends have their lives and their own damage, and I can't be consumed by it anymore. I am happy, and I am strong. Whether I am attached or single, faithful or faithless, open or closed, crying or laughing: I will always possess those traits, and no one can take them away from me. I am a woman who knows who she is and who she wants to be. If this is a mask then I will wear it proudly until the end of my life, for it is the only persona I can master. If I can't find someone who will appreciate and admire that, then let me spend the rest of my life alone, for I will not spend the rest of my life proving that I'm worth it, those days are over. Those who do not appreciate what I have to give and teach them shall be stricken from my life for I will no longer tolerate insolence and insensitivity for it is nuclear waste in the river that is my life, and it's killing me. If I do not witness perfection, perfection should not be expected of me, nor should I expect it of myself. This I vow" Please note that this is not directed at any of you, I was just proud of my finished product and wanted to post it. Should anyone take this personally, I am not responsible. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU..IT'S ABOUT ME!

posted by The Nessa @ 4:22 PM [[ 0 comments ]]